Harry Brown: How I Found Freedom in an Unfree World

Biggest ideas in this book:

1- Compatible desires (either symmetric desires or asymmetric desires)

2- Easy path focuses on what you can do and not changing what others want or naturally do

3- A free person spends their time choosing among attractive alternatives

4- Know what you want. Do what makes you uniquely happy and do not compromise your desires. Act creating consequence leading to your happiness

5- Recognize everyone else is different and unique - both in what makes them happy and therefore how they act

The unfree person can never fully repress his urge for freedom - whether he considers his jailer to be his family, his job, society, or the government.

But unfortunately, attempts to be free usually depend upon the individual’s ability to change the minds of other people — and so optimism eventually turns into frustration and despair. Hoping to be free, many people engage in continual social combat — joining movements, urging political action, writing letters to editors and Congressmen, trying to educate people

You can live your life as you want to live it — no matter what others decide to do with their lives.

To be free in an unfree world isn’t nearly as unrealistic as it might seem at first glance. After all, it’s commonly assumed that there can be free nations in a world that contains enslaved nations

freedom from social restrictions, family problems, high taxes, bad relationships, the treadmill, governmental repression, whichever one is most important to you, we’ll cover it and more.

It’s not likely that you’ll ever gain your freedom by joining, marching, picketing, or complaining — because all those methods rely upon changing the attitudes of others. What I have in mind concerns the use of methods over which you have complete control.

There probably are two basic reasons you haven’t taken advantage of that freedom. One reason is that you’re unaware of the many alternatives available to you. it’s easy to see matters as being either/or questions. Fortunately, there are additional alternatives — ways by which you can have what you want without bringing bad consequences upon yourself.

The second reason you’re not free is because you’ve probably accepted without challenge certain assumptions that restrict your freedom. You’ll find that most of them have no more substance than ancient clichés such as “The world is flat.”

Most books dealing with freedom present an involved plan that depends upon the support of other people. These usually urge you to pass the book on to others, sell the idea to a great many people, and gain the support of the public in order to be free. This isn’t that kind of book. If you were holding the only copy of it, and if no one else could read it or accept its conclusions, the ideas would still be useful to you.

what you have to decide is whether they can work for you.

You won’t have to convince anyone else of anything. Every idea in the book will depend solely upon your own action. I can assure you that I didn’t achieve my freedom through long hours, articulate oratory, or mysterious powers of persuasion. And yet I am free.

More than for any other reason, I’m free because I’ve chosen to live that way.

I’ve concentrated upon the things I control, and used that control to remove the restrictions and complications from my life.

I can’t tell you how to live, nor can I tell you what you “must” do to be free. Instead, I can suggest dozens of opportunities from which you can choose. And I can point out the various traps that may be enslaving you now.

Truth isn’t an end in itself. It’s always a means to an end. The purpose of knowing “truth” is to be able to make it work for you. You need the truth in order to deal with things as they are and get predictable results from them.

You want the truth so you can use it to produce a consequence you want.

Your ability to get what you want depends upon these considerations:

how clearly you recognize the identity of each thing and person you deal with
how well you isolate the relevant factors in any cause-and-effect relationship
how well you allow for the possibility that other factors might alter the relationship.

You may decide that your goal in life is a good marriage, fame, wealth, or any number of other things. But each of these things is only a means to a further end.

you’ve decided you want a new car. Why do you want it? It may be that you expect to be free of the mechanical problems that bothered you with the old car. Or you may expect to receive more respect with a new car. Or you may expect driving to be more enjoyable. Whatever the reason, it’s a means to a further end: You believe that getting a new car will lead to a greater feeling of well-being. You believe you’ll feel better with the new car than you would without it.

Why do you want anything? Because you’re missing something. If you’ve wanted something and gotten something before and are still missing something, maybe that’s not the way

with the knowledge and insight at your disposal, you choose what you think will give you the most well-being and the least mental discomfort.

Happiness might be produced by a good marriage, fame, a new car, or a warm blanket. For some people, happiness occurs as a result of doing favors for other people; for others, it results from bringing about social reforms; for still others, it comes from believing they’ve outsmarted someone. It might come from a big meal, sexual intercourse, music, art, dancing, singing, working, kissing,

Happiness is an emotion — an involuntary reaction to what happens to you. And unhappiness is an involuntary feeling of discomfort as you react to things that don’t suit your nature. To change your mental state from unhappiness to happiness requires that you change your circumstances. And this is why you do things — to bring about the circumstances that will make you happier.

you may work hard at your career for many years because you feel “it will all be worth it someday” — meaning it will enable you to do the things that will make you feel good. Or perhaps the pursuit itself makes you feel better than anything else you’ve considered.

Or you may do certain things because you’re afraid that if you don’t do them you’ll feel bad. You may lend money to your relatives only because you’d feel guilty if you didn’t. Or you might go to church each week because you’d feel irreverent if you didn’t.

A positive decision is one in which you choose among alternatives to maximize your happiness. An example would be deciding whether you’ll be happier going to a movie or a football game.

A negative decision is one in which you choose among alternatives to minimize your unhappiness. An example would be deciding whether to let your roof leak or to deplete your savings account to get it fixed. Neither choice will increase your happiness; you’re trying to decide which choice would be the least unpleasant.

A free person spends most of his time making positive decisions — choosing among attractive alternatives.

Most people, however, spend most of their time making negative decisions — deciding which alternatives would be the least unpleasant, trying to keep things from getting worse. As time passes, such a person settles for less and less, believing that it isn’t possible to be free and profoundly happy.

Identity Trap

There are two Identity Traps:

(1) The belief that you should be someone other than yourself

you necessarily forfeit your freedom by requiring yourself to live in a stereotyped, predetermined way that doesn’t consider your own desires, feelings, and objectives.

We know you are different. Just as no two persons’ fingerprints are identical, no two people are identical in terms of their knowledge, understanding, attitudes, likes, and dislikes. Your knowledge is the result of your experiences — what you’ve done and seen and heard, where you’ve been, who you’ve known, and what you’ve learned from them. No one else has lived that life and experienced all the same things

You have to determine for yourself who you are, what makes you happy, what you’re capable of doing, and what you want to do. Be open to suggestions, but never forfeit the power to make the final decision yourself. Find out who you are — that unique collection of feelings, desires, perceptions, and understanding. Respect what you see in yourself. Until you discover and accept yourself fully, you won’t have the conviction or the courage to be free.

You’re in the Identity Trap if you allow others to define labels and impose them upon you — such as going to PTA meetings because that’s what a “good parent” is supposed to do, or going to visit your parents every Sunday because a “good child” would never do less, or giving up your career because a “good wife” puts her husband’s career first. You’re in the Identity Trap if you feign an interest in the environment to prove your civic interest, or give to the poor to prove you aren’t selfish, or study dull subjects to appear to be “intellectual.”

You deny your own self when you suppress desires that aren’t considered “legitimate,” or when you try to appear to be having fun because everyone else is, or when you settle for a certain life because you’ve been told that’s all you should expect in the world.

You’re in the Intellectual Trap when you try to deny your bad feelings — such as hate, fear, jealousy, or guilt. Or when you hold back tears because “crying isn’t manly.” The Intellectual Trap is an attempt to regiment your emotions so that they’ll react according to an intellectually determined standard.

You’re in the trap when you try to deny good feelings — such as infatuation for someone who’s “wrong for you,” or enjoyment of something that’s frowned upon

You’re also in the trap when you believe you should be happy simply because you’re doing what you’ve been told will make you happy. A good example is the businessman who has to keep reminding himself that his $70,000-a-year job and carpeted office are what he’s always wanted. Or the woman who keeps telling herself she must be happy, now that she finally has a husband, four children, and a home in suburbia. Each of them is living a life he’s been told should make him happy; but if it doesn’t, he attempts to make his emotions respond.

An emotion is an involuntary response to something that happens. It isn’t intentional; you can’t command yourself to feel something. But when it happens, your body reacts — a warm prickling at the back of your neck, or a twist in your stomach, or a tightening of your chest. And there’s usually an urge to express yourself outwardly — through laughter, tears, talk, hitting or hugging someone.
The two basic emotions are happiness and unhappiness — the feelings of mental well-being and mental discomfort. Positive emotions are variations that include love, affection, self-satisfaction, pride, anticipation of pleasure, any form of the glow we call happiness. Negative emotions are variations that include fear, hate, disappointment, sorrow, jealousy, guilt, any kind of mental discomfort
happiness is an emotion. You can’t turn it on at will. You feel it as an involuntary response to the conditions in your life at a given moment.To find happiness, you must know how your unique emotional nature responds to things. You must observe and take seriously your own emotional reactions.

For example, it may bother you if you’re attracted to a woman other than your wife. You may feel that since you’re married, you’re going to stay married, and that you don’t want anything to interfere with that. But the recognition that you feel something for another woman isn’t a command that you get a divorce or commit adultery. It can be a signal to alert you to deficiencies in your marriage — things you’re missing. Make use of the signal; look for ways to fill in what’s missing within the context of your marriage.

Negative emotions can act as signals to you, letting you know there’s a part of your life that needs attention.

For example, if you feel jealous about someone, it may mean you’re not sure the relationship you have is really right for you, and you’re afraid it can be taken from you easily. If you hate, it might mean you’ve made yourself vulnerable to someone whose desires are in conflict with yours, and he’s using that power in ways that hurt you. And if you’re afraid, you may have put yourself in a dangerous position you’re not equipped to handle.
Listen to your emotions in critical matters — cases where you have a great deal to lose by getting into something you can’t handle. Don’t try to stand up to your employer if you always go to pieces when you walk into his office. In smaller matters, you can afford to be more adventurous. You can use easier situations to test and enlarge your capabilities, so long as you recognize and accept the risks involved.

(2) The assumption that others will do things in the way you would.

When you expect someone to have the same ideas, attitudes, and feelings you have, you expect him to act in ways that aren’t in keeping with his nature. As a result, you’ll expect and hope that people will do things they’re not capable of doing.

You’re in the Identity Trap when you assume an individual will react to something as you would react or as you’ve seen someone else react. You’re in this form of the Identity Trap if you expect your wife to act in certain ways because your mother acted that way, or when you assume someone will see the same logic you see

Solution: You can’t control the natures of other people, but you can control how you’ll deal with them. And you can also control the extent and manner in which you’ll be involved with them.

There are four basic principles whose recognition can help to avoid the Identity Trap:

You are a unique individual — different from all other human beings Recognize each person you deal with as a different, distinct, individual entity, and you won’t have identity problems. Try to avoid labeling individuals and then expecting them to live up to your labels.
Each individual is acting from his own knowledge in ways he believes will bring him happiness.
You have to treat things and people in accordance with their own identities in order to get what you want from them. You don’t expect a stone to be a fish.

Everything you do will produce an effect or consequence of some kind. The consequences you get will depend upon the identities of things and people and how you deal with them. To be able to foresee those consequences depends upon your ability to perceive the true identities of things and people.
you recognize the identity of each thing you deal with; you use it in a way that’s consistent with its nature.
For example, a stone is called a stone because of certain characteristics that distinguish it from what we call a peanut-butter sandwich. You can’t eat a stone; but, because of what it is, you can use it to build something.
Certain things can produce certain effects and no others — that’s outside your control. What you do control is your choice of things that will be the appropriate means to the end you seek.
Each person will act in keeping with his own identity. This means he’ll be bound by the limits of his own knowledge and experience — even if he wishes he weren’t. You can’t entrust your investments to an individual who knows nothing about money.

You view the world subjectively — colored by your own experience, interpretation, and limits of perception

Sometimes a thing turns out to be different from what you’d thought it was. A comparison of the first impression with later impressions can show that the earlier view was insufficient and somehow distorted. So in terms of possible later discovery, all current knowledge is incomplete, or will be enlarged later.
Sometimes you want something to be a certain way so you are more likely to read into things you expect or wish to find
The Previous-Investment Trap is the belief that time, effort, and money spent in the past must be considered when making a decision in the present. What matters now is what happens in the future. And that will depend upon what you do now with whatever you have available to you. The expenditure of resources is important only before you spend them. Once spent, they’re insignificant. What is significant is what you’ve received in exchange for them. Ask: What’s the best you can get going forward?
The Certainty Trap is the urge to act as if your information were totally certain. You’re in the trap if you make decisions without recognizing the uncertainty of your assumptions, the risk that goes with that, and the accompanying liability. Many things that happen seem to defy explanation — at least at the time they happen. No one can be expected to know everything, to see everything with unfailing accuracy, and to interpret what he sees with perfect judgment. And yet, it’s easy to accept verbatim the information that’s handed us. To do so, however, is to fall into the Certainty Trap. Because your resources are limited, you rely upon other people for many things. That’s the specialization of labor. Information is one of the things you acquire from others. A person who’s been through years of medical school probably knows a great deal more than you about the workings of your body. But don’t be surprised if another doctor disagrees with his diagnosis. After all, you’re probably a specialist at something. Are you always right? An expert’s research and judgment can be sidetracked by telephone calls, inter-office politics, emotional problems, political objectives, hopes for promotion, and vested interests in previously stated opinions. There’s nothing shameful about that; it’s normal and to be expected. // Taking risks is an inherent part of life; it’s only dangerous when you act as though you’re not taking a risk. Risks are forms of prices. You gamble with time when you choose to take a risk instead of taking the time to be sure of what you’re doing. Remember: popularity isn’t proof, consider new information as a possibility - not truth, don’t expect to have an explanation for everything, recognize you’re only seeing a part of what’s involved, and recognize risks and liabilities. // When you accept the presence of uncertainty, you can usually relax and enjoy life more. You don’t feel that you have to have a final answer for everything. You accept what you know and act upon it. If a man begins with certainties, he shall end in doubts; but if he will be content with doubts he shall end in certainties

2.1 Emotions

The Emotional Trap is the belief that you can make important decisions at a time when you’re feeling strong emotions. I

You think in order to be able to feel happiness. Thinking is the means; feeling is the end.

At the moments when you feel strong emotions such as hate, infatuation, anger, or excitement, your thinking is usually clouded. The Emotional Trap is the belief that you can make important decisions at such a time. That’s the time when you’re least likely to recognize all the alternatives and consequences.

you’re in the Emotional Trap if you decide to propose marriage because of a sudden infatuation. Or if you decide to quit your job while engulfed by anger at your boss or associates.

These emotions are very real and must be recognized. But you can’t make the best decision at the moment you’re engulfed by them.

Solution: If you’re enraged about your job, go off by yourself, relax, and wait until your mind clears. Then consider all the ramifications. You might still decide to resign if you believe such moments of anger are too high a price to pay for your income.

Solution: it’s a good rule to never make an important decision when your emotions are in control. I try to program myself in advance to remember this rule when I need it. When I’m in an emotional state (either positive or negative), I try to keep just enough intellect working to tell me one thing: don’t decide now.

The Emotional Trap is typified by the assumption that one’s feelings of the moment will be permanent. This inspires actions that produce consequences that still have to be dealt with after the feelings have passed.

Your intellect and your emotions are both essential, real parts of you. You’re in the Intellectual Trap if you let your intellect tell you what you should feel. You’re in the Emotional Trap if you let your emotions make important decisions for you.

You have to know what you’re doing and why. The Emotional Trap blinds you to what you’re doing because you can’t see the consequences clearly. And the Intellectual Trap cuts you off from the only important why connected with your actions — knowing that what you’re doing will lead to what you know will create happiness

To achieve genuine, durable happiness, you have to recognize your emotional nature and intelligently think ahead to create situations that will trigger happy emotions from your unique nature.

Then, when your plans have produced what you wanted, you can disregard your intellect, relax, and just feel. You’ll be able to act spontaneously within that context because you’ve eliminated any possibility of bad consequences.

Then you can allow yourself to be engulfed in a flow of genuine positive emotions.

2.2 The Unselfishness Trap is the belief that you must put the happiness of others ahead of your own.

They say that the way to be happy is to make others happy; get your glow by basking in the glow you’ve created for someone else. It’s important to identify that as a personal opinion. If someone says that giving is the key to happiness, isn’t he saying that’s the key to his happiness? To assume that his opinions are binding upon you is a common form of the Identity Trap.

I think we can carry the question further, however, and determine how efficient such a policy might be. The suggestion to be a giver presupposes that you’re able to judge what will make someone else happy. And experience has taught me to be a bit humble about assuming what makes others happy

Because desires vary from person to person, it’s possible to create exchanges between individuals in which both parties benefit. For example, if you buy a house, you do so because you’d rather have the house than the money involved. But the seller’s desire is different — he’d rather have the money than the house. When the sale is completed, each of you has received something of greater value than what you gave up — otherwise you wouldn’t have entered the exchange. Who, then, has had to sacrifice for the other?

Sometimes people’s desires are the same — like going to a movie together. Sometimes people’s desires are different — like trading your money for someone’s house. In either case, it’s the compatibility of the desires that makes the exchange possible.

An efficiently selfish person is sensitive to the needs and desires of others. But he doesn’t consider those desires to be demands upon him. Rather, he sees them as opportunities — potential exchanges that might be beneficial to him. He doesn’t sacrifice himself for others, nor does he expect others to be sacrificed for him. He takes the third alternative — he finds relationships that are mutually beneficial so that no sacrifice is required.

Why should you feel guilty for seeking your own happiness when that’s what everyone else is doing, too? The demand that you be unselfish can be motivated by any number of reasons: that you should help create a better world, that you give up your happiness to the selfishness of someone else, or that the person demanding it has just never thought it out. Whatever the reason, you’re not likely to convince such a person to stop his demands. But it will create much less pressure on you if you realize that it’s his selfish reason. And you can eliminate the problem entirely by looking for more compatible companions. To find constant, profound happiness requires that you be free to seek the gratification of your own desires.

If someone finds happiness by doing “good works” for others, let him. That doesn’t mean that’s the best way for you to find happiness - when someone accuses you of being selfish, just remember that he’s upset only because you aren’t doing what he selfishly wants you to do.

The group trap is the belief that you can accomplish more by sharing responsibilities, efforts, and rewards with others than you can by acting on your own.

group efforts are common in businesses, marriages, and even friendships.

Groups are not living entities. They don’t think or act; only individuals do.

The individual’s goals and his concept of the best methods will be automatically compromised before anything happens to further his objectives.

Suppose that the group consists of two people — a business partnership, for instance. If the two partners have agreed to work equally hard and share the rewards 50-50, the significance of each person’s efforts has been cut by 50%. Whatever value the individual provides to the group, he’ll receive only half of its reward. Of course, he expects to get half the value added by the other person, too; but he doesn’t control the other person’s effort. He controls only his own effort. So what he controls will produce only a half reward.

It’s necessary to exchange with others to acquire whatever you need along the way, but you don’t have to enter into sharing agreements of the kind described earlier. It’s more efficient to separate responsibilities and rewards, not share them.

If one hundred people are engaged in a crusade to bring about a social change of some kind, each individual’s effort adds only about 1% to the whole. It’s doubtful that any such endeavor is won or lost by an additional 1% of effort. Consequently, the individual’s participation becomes irrelevant to the outcome. Whether he goes out to work hard or stays home in bed, the outcome will be the same. In such a situation, there’s a strong incentive to stay in bed. You’ll probably recognize that you could sit at home and not change the outcome one bit — or you could work very hard and still not change the outcome one bit. Your actions are only your actions, not those of the group.

As you view any situation in which you have a goal, there are basically two types of alternatives available to you. I call them direct and indirect.

A direct alternative is one that requires only direct action by yourself to get a desired result.

An indirect alternative requires that you act to make someone else do what is necessary to achieve your objective. Once you’ve seen the positions and attitudes of the other people involved, a direct alternative requires only that you make a decision; an indirect alternative requires that you change

suppose you belong to a club whose rules and activities have changed to the extent that you no longer enjoy being a member. An indirect alternative would be to try to change the minds of enough members to return the club to the conditions you enjoyed previously. A direct alternative would be to quit the club and find a better one.

That doesn’t mean that no one ever changes his ideas or plans. But the changes occur only when they make sense to the individual — when they are harmonious with his basic nature. An efficient salesman doesn’t approach the world with the idea that his persuasive powers could change anyone. Rather, he accepts people as they are and relies upon two talents: (1) his ability to locate people whose self-interests would be satisfied by his product or service; and (2) his ability to demonstrate to those people the connection between his product and their self-interest.

It’s possible to have relationships with others, contracts with others, business dealings, and every other form of social activity. But those relationships will be far more rewarding for you if you recognize identities, find those that are compatible, and arrange matters in ways that appeal to the self-interest of each person involved.

There are also wide differences in tastes and desires. This, too, is fortunate. For these differences make the world orderly. If everyone wanted the same things, we would all be struggling against each other to acquire what little was available. Diversity is the source of harmony in human relationships. Because our tastes are different, we can exchange with each other in a way that is mutually beneficial. If you and I have exactly the same values, there is no way we can trade. One of us will have what each of us wants most — and he won’t give it up.

Human wants are limitless. We each want a multitude of things — far more than we could ever obtain with our limited resources. So to state a desire for something doesn’t specify how much that thing is desired by the individual. Only when he offers to give up something in order to get it do we know how much he values it.

Perhaps there are times when you feel that your rights are the only weapon you have in a dispute. If so, it usually indicates that you’ve made yourself vulnerable to someone whose self-interest conflicts with yours. If you’re not being treated as you want to be treated, it’s your vulnerability that must be changed.

It’s hard to realize that you live in a world of your own — bounded by your own knowledge, your own perception, your own ways of reasoning, your own set of standards. And that other person doesn’t reside there. He lives in his own world.

Everything you want in life has a price connected to it. There’s a price to pay if you want to make things better, a price to pay just for leaving things as they are. If you could know specifically what you’re paying by staying where you are...

If there’s a box in your life (big or little), let me suggest a simple method of putting it in focus.

First, identify the box. What is it that’s causing you the discomfort? Perhaps your weekends are continually interrupted by relatives who drop in and monopolize your only free time. Or maybe you’ve made a commitment to contribute money to a particular cause but now you wish you were free to spend the money elsewhere. Whatever it is, identify the discomfort the box causes.

Next, think of what you would do if you weren’t in the box. Imagine the box gone. And then imagine what you’d do once you were free of it. As you do, it’s possible that the thought of one free activity might lead to another. And before long you may be able to think of many desirable possibilities that hadn’t occurred to you before.

The next step is to identify the price it would take to get out of the box. The price might be a confrontation with someone — such as telling your boss you want a better arrangement if you’re going to continue to work for him. Identify what you’d have to do in order to end your present discomfort, then picture paying that price. Cultivate the art of looking for prices anytime you notice a discomfort. There’s a rule that the sooner you pay a price, the less it costs you. There are always prices. You pay them whether you change things or leave them alone. The price that gets you out of a bad situation is by far the least expensive one

With this, you will have identified clearly the three elements of your situation: (1) what you’re paying by remaining where you are; (2) what it would cost you to get out; and (3) what you could do once you’re out. The price of getting out might have seemed horrendous when viewed vaguely from a distance. But now that you’ve identified it clearly, it may lose its power to frighten you. That won’t necessarily happen in every case, but it is likely enough to be worth checking. In most cases, a half hour spent in this way will lead to the conclusion that it’s easier to pay the price and get out than to stay locked in the box.

Take a look at your own life. What could you do today that would give you more freedom tomorrow morning? If the dollars you lose in taxes are important to you, then what about the dollars you may be spending to perpetuate boxes you could get out of? If the hours required to earn the money to pay taxes are vital to you, then what about the hours you spend in uncomfortable relationships?

When you don’t understand a situation, it helps to stand back for a minute, think of each person involved, and ask yourself, “What is he trying to do? How does he believe he’s furthering his own well-being?” That can make his actions much more understandable and predictable.

But whether or not you accept it, you are sovereign. You rule one life — and you rule it totally. You decide which information you will accept or reject. You decide what your next action will be. What has happened to you up to now in your life is far more the result of your choices than of anything else. Others have affected you, but you are the one who decided whether or not you’d associate with them. You are the sovereign ruler who has chosen which city to live in, which job to take, which people to associate with, which rules to live by. Others may have made requests — even demands — but it was you who made the decisions regarding your actions.

The gigantic myth called “society” that rules so many lives doesn’t even exist. “Society” is merely a collection of different people, tastes, and judgments. It can’t enforce its rules upon you. You don’t have to uphold causes you don’t believe in, go to cocktail parties that bore you, dress and act as you’ve been told to. You don’t have to be married to someone who wants you to be something other than what you are. You don’t have to work for a company that doesn’t recognize your talent. You could get into your car right now and drive to anywhere you choose. There’s nothing stopping you. The only reason not to do that is if there is something better for you where you are now

You’ll need alternatives so that you can avoid taxes without going to jail, live your own life without having to be lonely, dissolve uncomfortable relationships with a minimum of emotional upheaval. Most of the rest of the book will be devoted to those techniques. All of them deal with direct alternatives — choices you can make that don’t involve changing other people.

You’ll never be 100% free, because your limited imagination can always envision more good things than you could have in a lifetime. So you’ll always have to make choices, recognize consequences, and keep your most important values uppermost in your mind. But I’d guess that the average person is no more than 10% to 30% free (Everyone begins life as a free person. But as time passes, most people accept the prearranged programs and never stop to realize the freedom they possess. They accept standards and situations that are unsuitable to them.), and I believe it’s possible for almost anyone to raise that to as much as 60% to 90% freedom.

Government

In the book 1984, everyone’s life was controlled by computer, and there was a TV camera in every room to monitor everyone’s activities. Fortunately, such dramas overlook the fundamentals of economics. The larger the government, the less efficient and productive is the economy. Slaves don’t produce with the enthusiasm, incentive, and imagination that free people do.

The 1st principle in dealing with government, then, is: Don’t be awed by it. Those who don’t want to help the government can go their own ways without running into much trouble

The 2nd principle is: Don’t confront the government. A sure way to make your life miserable is to attack the government head on. Its resources are limited, and it can’t waste them tracking down every possible violator of every law. But it will certainly aim its power at anyone who publicly defies it. So keep to yourself, do what you have to do.

Start by listing the governmental restrictions that inhibit your freedom. Determine the possible consequences of ignoring them. It may be that no more than a warning is involved if you’re caught. In many cases, you can just ignore the law without incurring dangerous consequences. In others, you may have to go to more trouble — such as consulting an attorney or tax accountant.

There are a multitude of ways to legally avoid taxes. I can’t list them here or that would defeat their purpose. And you won’t find them in magazine articles about taxes. Much of the information in those articles comes straight from the booklet that accompanies your tax return. But once you’re determined to cut your taxes, you should be able to find the best ways for yourself.

Licenses and regulations can be avoided by using a little imagination. There are plenty of psychologists who are unlicensed and unregulated because they don’t call themselves psychologists. -> Corporate Mind Massager. private marital agreements (without getting legally married or divorced). If you want to start a new business, don’t go looking for all the licenses and regulations you’re supposed to observe. Just operate. Try to arrange your business so that you can contact your prospects without public fanfare — and you may never come to the attention of the authorities. But if you do, the worst that could happen is that you’ll have to do what you would have done at the outset anyway.

Jury duty is typical of the impositions the state can make upon an individual. Many people avoid it by simply not registering to vote.

There’s a normal reluctance to break laws. You can easily feel that you’re contributing to the decay of your country, or that you’re making yourself vulnerable. However, there are thousands of once-rich Cubans who wish today that they’d been willing to commit the crime of sending their funds out of Cuba before the government confiscated them. They either thought they were helping their country by keeping their funds at home, or they counted on laws they thought would prevent confiscation, or they didn’t want to take the risks involved in smuggling their funds out. Their views have been shared by people in countries all over the world — people who always thought, “It’s different here.” They failed to realize that no government obeys laws. It will change, overrule, ignore, or defy them whenever they get in its way. To count on the law to protect you is a grave mistake. Recognize, also, that you undoubtedly break laws continually. It’s almost impossible to drive a car without breaking traffic laws. And most other kinds of laws are filled with contradictions that make nearly everyone a lawbreaker just by going about his own business. To determine whether or not to break a law, the only consideration should be the consequences to yourself. What is the risk involved? What would happen if you’re caught? How much are you gaining by breaking the law? As you evaluate those consequences, don’t overlook your own emotional nature. Don’t do something that will make it impossible for you to sleep nights. The money saved may not be worth the anxiety. But don’t be swayed by considerations of patriotism, “law and order,” or national solidarity. Those things are only slogans designed to further the government’s interests at the expense of yours.

Governments invariably call upon their citizens to cooperate in efforts for the “public good.” They want you to sacrifice to help solve economic crises, foreigntrade problems, and military conflicts; but these things were caused originally by government intervention. Even so, the calls can seem compelling, and social pressure can build on behalf of patriotic efforts.

Society

“Society” is a nonentity. It is simply a collection of many different individuals who have different minds, interests, and motivations. So “society” can’t restrain you. The problems come from individuals — people who want you to act in certain ways and cause problems for you if you don’t.

1st - Your actions can always be condemned by someone — for being too bold or too apathetic, for being too conformist or too nonconformist, for being too liberal or too conservative. So it’s necessary to decide whose approval is important to you. If you just assume that you must have the approval of those nearest to you, social restrictions will be a very real problem. many people hide their identity, tolerate restrictions, and remain in bad relationships because they’re afraid of being lonely. But I wonder what they mean by “lonely.” Aren’t they very lonely when they deal with people who don’t understand and appreciate them? There are many, many people in the world. You don’t have to please any one person. There are other employers, other business prospects, other potential friends, lovers and spouses.

there are millions of people within your reach — people of all different types. Included in those millions are undoubtedly many people who wouldn’t demand the artificial attitudes you may think you have to display. They would want you as you really are. First, go looking where you would be -> a night college or a piano debut. Second, since you could also run into potential friends almost anywhere, it’s important to display your standards openly and honestly wherever you are. Only then can others recognize you as a kindred soul. For if you wear a “socially acceptable” mask, those whom you seek will walk right by you. And those whom you do attract with the mask will only add to the pressure that you be something other than yourself. If you make your own actions consistent with the standards you really admire, you’ll know which people are compatible — just by their reactions to you. Those who disapprove will seek someone different to be with, and those who have standards similar to yours will react favorably toward you. In effect, you let others tell you about themselves through their reactions to what you are. If you’ve been hiding your collection of James Bond books for the sake of your cultural friends, get them out, go to “007" movies, and be free to enjoy yourself and find the people who won’t pressure you. Chances are you won’t miss the evenings of “culture” and you’ll soon forget the people you weren’t in tune with. why should you suppress your desires when you’re having sexual intercourse? That way you’ll never experience it in the way you dream of it. Ask for what you want. Sure, someone may laugh at you, deny you, or even condemn you. But is that the person who can fulfill your dreams? One of these times someone’s going to respond enthusiastically and gratefully — and you’ll know you’ve found someone wonderful.

Advertising is a skill. One technique is to emphasize your differences. Try to reveal frequently the things about yourself that distinguish you from most others. What is commonly thought of as good advertising is usually not very effective advertising. Superlatives — words like “best,” “quality,” or “sensational” — have little impact. Most people know intuitively that it may not mean “best” for the prospect. Simply learn to reveal your qualities as they are appropriate to the situation. For years, whenever it was appropriate in conversations, lectures, and writing, I’ve casually mentioned one or more things such as: I’m single; I have no interest in governments, groups, crusades, or religions; I’m crazy about opera and other forms of classical music; I’m lazy and have learned to live with it and enjoy it; and I see nothing wrong with being selfish. I’m never evangelical about these things. I simply let them be known, one at a time, as appropriate. Of course, I could join in the usual conversational interest in the prevailing social issues. But where would that get me? My competition would be overwhelming and my rewards inappropriate to me. When you find the lover who’s been looking for you, you won’t need to restrict competition in any way — for no one else will be able to provide what that person needs most. Any exposure to others will only point up your unique value by comparison

Do you want to grow a beard or have longer hair? Do it. If your employer objects, look for a job where that’s not a problem. Don’t expect your employer to forsake his self-interest for you; but neither is there any reason for you to forsake yours for him. Do some people get upset when you express your emotions — if you cry when you’re moved, laugh when you see something ridiculous? Don’t be bullied by those who say you shouldn’t be so emotional. Find those who understand such things and appreciate your honesty. Do those in your social circle make you feel pressured to live up to certain intellectual standards? If so, you may be in the wrong place. It might be that you haven’t yet accurately identified your own beliefs and standards — and these people seemed to be of the type you wanted. One way to tell is by noticing if that kind of pressure exists. If it does, keep trying to recognize yourself more clearly, and then look for people like that.

It’s an easy life. Why complicate it by trying to be all things to all people? Adopt the image that’s most effective — your own.

Relationships

too many assumptions are taken for granted — and they create problems because the assumptions aren’t realistic. The biggest problem probably stems from the ease with which you can label a relationship and then, in effect, treat the individual as if he were the label. One is called a “friend” or “partner”. the labels imply subtle expectations concerning the role the person is expected to play in your life. For example, a “friend” is someone who’ll lend you money when you’re in trouble; a “wife” is someone who’ll cook, clean house, make love when you want to, and center her life around your family. what the label requires may not be in the self-interest of the person involved, so conflicts can result.

Your definition of a “friend” may be considerably different from the one your friend has. When you find a friend who’s intellectually stimulating, enjoy him for the excellent discussions you can have. But don’t expect him to help rearrange your furniture or lend you money. Those things are separate parts of your life, not a part of his

Relationships can be fruitful only when they’re in the self-interest of each person. Unfortunately, the normal labels and assumptions go far beyond that — and so problems develop.

Solutions:

Don’t think in terms of groups. Groups don’t think, act, or have motivations; only individuals do. Each individual is different from every other individual.

If your wife makes friends with a neighbor and then expects the two families to take their vacations together, you may wind up taking your vacation in the Group Trap. The individuality of all the other members of the families will be eroded by the attempt to enlarge upon a simple enjoyable relationship between two women

Limit the relationship to what you have in common. Don’t expect more from the relationship than what is in the self-interest of each person involved.

To enlarge the relationships beyond the small areas in common is to open the door to many conflicts of interest. For example, if A expects B and C to help him paint his garage (“What’s a friend for?”), it will probably be a loss to all three. For one thing, B and C may be lousy garage painters; Mr. A might lose by not paying the necessary price to have it done right. And for B and C, the relationship is no longer just good beer and good conversation. Now it includes duties and obligations. No one will be able to relax completely any longer, for he’ll never know when he’ll be called upon to set aside his own self-interest. Even if he refuses such requests, it will be a strain on the relationship.

Don’t attempt to perpetuate a relationship by contract. Change is inevitable. Alternatives, knowledge, and desires change. Any relationship should last only as long as it’s beneficial to each party. If an individual is required to continue in a relationship past the time it’s beneficial to him, he loses. And it won’t be possible for him to satisfy the needs of anyone else in the relationship if he’s acting out of duty and not enthusiasm.

“making our marriage work,” “keeping our friendship,” or “making the business succeed.” Relationships are only means to the ends desired by each of the people involved; when the ends are no longer served, the relationship should end.
In a burst of exuberance and good fellowship, the three buddies might agree to meet together every Saturday night for the next ten years. But that would probably be a big mistake. other common interests might be suppressed by the fixed structure of the relationship; as long as they’re committed to one routine, they might ignore other things they could do together that would be more enjoyable.
Let the relationship evolve as it will — as mutual self-interest leads it.

The beer-bust example is rather obvious. So much the better that it is. For these same principles can be subverted subtly and easily in more complicated relationships. And when they’re subverted, problems develop — and what was once a source of pleasure and opportunity can turn into a loss of freedom

If you can accept the differences that exist between you and those you care for, you can make the most of what you have together. If you try to overcome the differences, you’ll only make it harder to enjoy the things you do have together.

the three principles can be summed up as one important principle: Let others be free. Make it your policy that you don’t expect anyone to do what isn’t in his self-interest. If you let others be free, you’ll be a rare person — and a valuable one. You’ll be in demand because you won’t create the conflicts and arguments that so many people have had from others.

Your freedom is just as important, of course. You have to learn to say “no” in a way that doesn’t create strain and conflict. When you learn that, others will usually respect your individuality.

I think it’s a general rule that if you feel you’re being exploited, the person you’re dealing with is usually the last person you should blame. Why does he permit it? Obviously, the individual permits it because he believes it’s the best alternative available to him. But because he seems to offer you something, you want to be involved with him. And if there’s something about him you don’t like, you can be tempted to try to change him. But it won’t work. Each person is what he is. To try to change him is to frustrate yourself with an indirect alternative. Your only direct alternatives are to look for someone better, or to change the nature of the relationship so that his differences don’t have to get in the way. You can change the relationship so that the other person’s drawbacks don’t affect you; or you can withdraw from the relationship and look for better alternatives. Only the last two alternatives offer any hope for a better life.

Marriage

Some are dominated by parents. Others are trapped by duties and obligations to relatives. And others are entangled in the problems of raising children

labels seem to be applied more readily and restrictively here than elsewhere.

a “son” is someone who’s supposed to make his parents proud of him — by his parents’ standards, of course.

You’ll have common interests that sometimes require that you consult with each other to make decisions, but it’s a mistake to think that you have to agree on everything. To expect that is to make the marriage a compromise — and that leads to situations where one is expected to sacrifice for the other. the success of the relationship will depend most upon the way differences between the individuals are handled.

Too often, it’s hoped that marriage will make permanent the love that one feels when he marries. Unfortunately, love isn’t a trophy you can win at a wedding and then place in a showcase to represent a permanent victory. Love is an emotion. Emotions are involuntary reactions that occur as a result of who you are and what happens to you.

Don’t change it from a love relationship to something else. Don’t assume that your lover should automatically become your business partner, your housekeeper, your fix- it man, your bookkeeper, your necessary companion in your separate interests, your social image-builder or anything else.

One way love diminishes is through the vulnerability one feels to the differences of the other person. If you’re tidy and he’s messy, the requirement that you live in chaos can eat away at your affection for the person who causes that chaos. If you’re frugal, it can destroy your good feelings for him if you have to watch him throwing your money away.

If you like country music and he likes jazz, keep your separate phonographs and play the music in separate rooms. If he likes golf and you like tennis, continue playing your own games with the people you played with before. The time spent together should be preserved for those things you enjoy together — so that every moment together is a joy rather than a burden.

If one person must be dependent upon the decisions of the other, he’s involved in an indirect alternative. He must “make the other understand” or compromise or sacrifice. His freedom is lost through the Group Trap.

The control of your own property is the most tangible expression of your freedom.

Property is as important as your time — because, in fact, it’s the same thing as your time. When someone destroys your property or steals it or usurps your decision- making control over it, he has taken from your life the amount of time necessary to earn that property or to replace it. If an individual’s time is important, his property is just as important.

If you must compromise your control by gaining someone else’s agreement to use it, you don’t really own it.

Anything that comes up can be handled. All you have to do is to remember the sovereignty of each person, and you’ll usually see a simple, obvious, natural way of handling every question. Just ask yourselves what you would do if you weren’t living together, and that will probably suggest a simple solution.

Differences can be handled very easily that way. For example, if one of you is messy and the other tidy, you can have separate rooms within your home. You can still sleep together whenever you want to, but you won’t have to live in a room that doesn’t conform to your life style. The cost of the extra room will be insignificant if it helps to preserve the best of your relationship.

If you were living separately, you’d have to pay for separate rooms. If you’re living together only to save money, then the preservation of your love is secondary. But if you’re living together to enhance your love, that should always have the highest priority.

Always keep in mind that you’re together because you love each other — and only for that reason. Keep all other relationships separate. If your lover is your sub- landlord, keep that relationship with him separate from your love relationship. If you want your lover to stay home and keep house for you, don’t appeal to his love for you.

You’ll be living with someone who’s there because he’d rather be there than anywhere else in the world.

When you don’t have to depend upon the other person’s agreement to live as you want to, you can be far more benevolent toward him, far more understanding of him and his problems, far more anxious to do what’s possible to help him make things right. And none of this involves sacrifice or compromise. Life is to be lived, not sacrificed. You love someone because of the way he makes you feel, because of the way he enhances your life. If what you are doesn’t do the same for him, no amount of sacrifice is going to make things right.

Do everything possible to make it easy for each of you to be totally honest with the other. Self-interests can’t be served if they can’t be expressed. Once you’re free to discuss everything openly and unashamedly, problems should be much more easily resolved.

Jealousy is the negative emotion caused by the fear of losing someone (or something) to someone else. Envy is of a different character; it’s the desire for something possessed by someone else. Envy is simply an intellectual recognition of what you’d like to have. It doesn’t necessarily cause problems because it doesn’t usually affect the emotions. When you’re jealous, it’s the attention your lover gives to someone else that hurts.

You can be jealous — openly and honestly — without imposing restrictions upon your lover.

And if you’re free to voice your jealousy openly, without condemnation or demands, you may find that the mere act of saying what you feel will alleviate some of the pain of it.

Jealousy is often caused by surprises. If each of you expects a certain type of conduct from the other, but you never discuss and define that standard, surprises can result.

If you have a natural monopoly, access to others will be valuable to the relationship. For the more your lover associates with others, the more he’ll be aware that he gets much more from you than he can get from them. Only by being with others can he see that clearly.

But if you restrict his relationships, the opposite can happen. At a distance, many people can appear to be attractive, appropriate — even perfect. All their virtues will beckon, but none of their drawbacks will be apparent. That’s an undesirable position for you to be in; you’re being unrealistically compared with an ideal image.

I remember using it once when I was involved with a woman with whom I didn’t have too much in common. The inappropriateness of the relationship made me feel quite vulnerable.

Parenting

The child should have his own world where he is clearly the sovereign. That means a room of his own that is subject to his control alone. If he doesn’t take care of it, he’ll learn the consequences of that sooner or later. But if he’s forced to keep it as his parents wish, he’ll never discover for himself the consequences of alternative courses of action.

He should also have other property to use in whatever way he chooses. Property isn’t owned if it can be used only in “approved” ways. You’ll have to decide how he’ll obtain his property. He can earn it, receive an allowance, get outright gifts, or he can receive property in any combination of these ways. But once he receives something, it’s important that he learn to understand what it means to own something and be responsible for its preservation. He shouldn’t be taught to expect automatic replacement of any property he might destroy. If you want your child to understand that he lives in a world in which his future will be of his own making, encourage that by letting him deal directly with the world as much as possible. Let him experience the consequences of his own actions. Be available to let him know your opinions — without implying that your opinions are binding on him. Let him think of you as a wiser, more experienced person — but not as a moral authority who stands in the way of his living his own life.

If you recognize him as an individual who is allowed to learn for himself, a genuine friendship can develop between you. He’ll be willing to talk to you about his ideas, plans, and problems — because he won’t have to fear the moral retribution that most parents inflict when they disagree with their children’s ideas and actions.

But the fact is that it’s a human being you’re bringing into the world, not a robot that needs only to be programmed correctly. The influences that come from school and neighborhood, as well as from yourself, are not totally within your control. You can’t realistically approach child-raising unless you’re willing to accept that the child will have his own nature, no matter how you might raise him.

So, in effect, you’re inviting a stranger to live in your home for eighteen years or more. There are risks involved — plenty of them.

the prospect of making his own decisions could be frightening if he’s used to being given orders.

prove your friendship by actions, not by declarations of intent. Take any opportunity that arises to try to understand his thinking — without exercising your moral judgment. His thoughts and actions are his — whether or not you approve — so you won’t accomplish anything by condemning what he does. When he decides that you are capable of understanding his thoughts and motives, he may begin asking your opinions.

Relatives

often, a parentchild relationship is a unilateral contract, initiated and ruled by the parents. They decide not only what they will give to the child but also what the child owes them in return. The parents seldom even state precisely what this is. They can simply invoke a claim at any time for anything, justified by “all we’ve done for you.” As a result, the child can carry a vague, indefinite and — for all practical purposes — infinite debt. He’s never wholly free to plan his own future without potential interference from his parents. This, of course, takes us back to the Identity Trap, the Morality Trap, and the Unselfishness Trap. All kinds of pressures are used to enforce the parents’ claims; but more than anything else, the weapon used is guilt. The child is made to feel guilty for disappointing the parents.

Whatever your parents did “for you” was actually what they did for themselves. They took a calculated risk that the time, effort, and money they expended would produce the kind of child they wanted, a child they would enjoy — and they hoped their efforts would lead you to a life they would consider favorable to them. If you choose not to live that kind of life, they lose on that part of their investment. Whatever they did, they chose to do it. Now you have to choose, too. And you have to choose in a way that fits your nature.

Whether your restrictions are imposed by your parents or other relatives, their principal weapon is most likely guilt. They can make you suffer emotional discomfort for going your own way — even if you’re convinced you’re right. Because guilt is an emotion, there’s no easy way to eliminate it. But it helps to realize that once the guilt is inflicted upon you, there’s usually never enough you can do for your relatives to get rid of the guilt. You’re going to feel guilty even if you do most of what’s asked of you. If that’s the case, you might as well go ahead and enjoy your life as you want to. If you’re going to feel guilty anyway, you might as well have a good time while you’re doing it. And you might be amazed at how quickly the negative feelings can be alleviated by the rewards of your independence — and even just by the feeling of independence.

Don’t overreact to a difficult relationship by destroying the good parts while trying to weed out the bad. Emphasize the good parts in discussions with the others. But make it clear that you won’t participate any longer in the bad parts. Because of common backgrounds, and often common interests, families can be a great source of pleasure.

Business

If you need a bookkeeper, what you want from him is usable information regarding your financial status. Determine what information you need and pay him for the information, not for his time — which might include coffee breaks, trips to the restroom, and flirting with the receptionist. Pay him for what you want to receive and let him determine how much time he needs to do the job.

When you pay for results, not for time, you get three important benefits: (1) you have an accurate understanding of what each thing costs you (and can easily compare alternatives); (2) you no longer have to supervise the individual’s time — all you have to do is check his results; and (3) each supplier has the same incentive you do with regard to his service — he’ll profit most by doing what is most valuable to you.

Another benefit of this system is that it allows you to begin with much less capital — and thus, with less risk. You pay for things only as you need them; there’s no weekly payroll that must be met regardless of the need for it. Taking in a partner always opens the door to joint decisions and disagreements. Whatever you need — services, money, advice — you can usually pay for on a single-exchange basis.

Deal with each individual on an individual basis. Make sure his compensation is dependent only upon his own value to you.
Contract only for what you want. Determine what results you want from someone and pay for those results only. If he delivers, you needn’t worry about how he uses his time — that’s not your concern.

Freedom from insecurity

The three forms of security most often sought are financial security (the assurance that one will never be poor), intellectual security (the assurance that one is right in his beliefs), and emotional security (the assurance that one will always be loved).

It’s natural to want these things, and it’s realistic to think that they’re possible. Unfortunately, though, most people look for security where it can’t be found — and in the process they become even more insecure. They hope that someone outside themselves can guarantee security and end their need to be concerned about it. But all they do is make themselves more vulnerable, and hence more insecure, by becoming dependent upon someone else.

Security comes from your ability to deal with the world, not from a guarantee by someone else. When you know you’re capable of dealing with whatever comes, you have the only security the world has to offer. Your ability to deal with the world depends upon three assets: self-reliance, vigilance, and honesty with yourself.

To be self-reliant is to recognize that no one else is as concerned about your future as you are and that no one knows as much about you as you do. You can delegate decisions to others, but a secure individual recognizes that he’s taking a risk when he does so. He knows that the responsibility for anything concerning his life remains with himself — and he accepts that responsibility.
To be vigilant is to recognize that there will be constant change in the world. There are always unknown factors that can affect your plans. So the secure individual is always mentally prepared for changes and surprises. He doesn’t necessarily have a plan in mind to handle those changes and surprises, but he’s aware that they can happen and is prepared to deal with them as they arise.
To be honest with yourself means to acknowledge mistakes as they become known. If you can accept your mistakes, you can correct them, pay for them, learn from them, and see that they don’t interfere with your security. The individual who can’t acknowledge his mistakes will remain vulnerable and be doomed to repeat them.

You have to earn anything you want in life — and emotional security is no exception. You earn it by living up to the standards that have meaning to you, finding other people who value those standards, and continuing to live up to those standards. If you’re loved now, you’ll continue to be loved only if you continue to satisfy the values of the person who loves you. That fact should bother someone only if he doesn’t feel that he is genuinely worthy. Chances are that he’s tried to live with an identity that isn’t his own, and he’s constantly afraid that he won’t live up to it — afraid that he’ll be found out and deserted.

Because he’s self-reliant and honest with himself, he’s constantly growing. And so every relationship he has is more fruitful than the ones that preceded it. He has no fear of the future because he knows the future can only mean better things for him

Insecurity comes from vulnerability. The insecure person relies upon protectors — institutions and people who will guarantee results for him. Because he knows intuitively that his interests can’t possibly be the paramount interest in someone else’s life, he’s vulnerable and he knows it. He depends upon his “rights” to protect him, or other people. security is always possible — financial, intellectual, and emotional security. However, it can come only from the willingness to handle whatever comes and the knowledge that you can do so.

Always try to determine the self-interest of anyone you deal with. And the best way to discover that is to ask him. What does he need?

If you don’t know where your time and money are going, stop everything and check your expenditures and activities carefully. Find out how you’re spending your life

I find it valuable to test my honesty periodically. To do so, I pick a period of thirty minutes or so when I’m talking on the telephone or in person with others. I observe closely everything I say. Did I speak the absolute truth as I know it — or did I say what I felt I “ought” to say in the circumstances?

Instead of checking your statements after you say them, think twice about them before speaking. Stop your first impulse to speak, and check what you were about to say. Is it the truth? If it isn’t, determine what is and say that.

I’ve found that suppressing embarrassing things about myself costs me far too much freedom to be worth it. So, if I feared that a given person might discover something I had been trying to hide, I went to him and told it to him myself. The experience never failed to give me a wonderful sense of freedom. I no longer had to worry about it; the price had been paid once and for all, and I didn’t have to think about it again

He uses the word “I” dishonestly. He begins statements with “I think . . .” but he’s only repeating what he’s heard. He says, “I will. . .” but he doesn’t really know what he’s going to do

Integrity is knowing yourself well enough to be able to mean what you say. The person with integrity can use the word “I” with authority. He knows what he thinks — for he’s thought it out for himself.

Perhaps the most important part of the quest for freedom is discovering yourself, and that can be the hardest part. You’re a unique individual — different from anyone else in the world. And what you are is revealed mostly by how you react to things around you — what pleases you and what causes you discomfort. These are the signals that let you know what kind of life you crave, what will bring you happiness.

the signals become distorted if you’ve lived most of your life in involved relationships. If you’ve grown up living with your parents, then lived with a roommate, and then married, the people around you may have played a large part in determining your tastes and values.

There are three basic sources of information to tell you what you want most — past experiences, daydreams, and new experiences.

The next time you daydream, imagine that you’re free to actually live the experience you’re fantasizing — totally free of all commitments, obligations, and boxes. Don’t try to figure out how you’ll remove the restrictions; just imagine that they’re already gone.

Look at memories - perhaps people who were important to that happiness are lost to you now. But if you can understand what made those people so important, you can find others like them.

the third source of information is to try new things. Be willing to test new experiences — to discover your own responses, uninhibited by others’ reactions

Naturally, be cautious about the consequences of these explorations. There are limits to the ways you can experiment without becoming vulnerable to bad long-term consequences

I’m far more willing to try new things and to try again activities I’d previously rejected.

Suppose, for example, that you discover that you have an urge to steal. You might find your urge to steal is only a superficial symptom of a more basic desire — perhaps the desire to have money, or the desire to get away with something, or the desire to rebel against standards that you’ve seen advocated in a smug, self-righteous way.

Don’t feel that to find some desire in yourself is to be compelled to a given course of action. Once you know what you are, you can find ways to make the most of that without getting into trouble. But you’ll never find those ways if you don’t first accept what you see in yourself

If you construct your values carefully, it should serve you especially well in a crisis. The worst time to reconsider long-range principles is during a crisis. When emotions are intense, it’s very difficult to see realistically all the consequences that might ensue from your choices. At such a time, your principles should already be clearly in mind. Your only concern should be with the specific facts of the situation — to which you’ll apply the principles you already hold.

anticipate the various kinds of circumstances in which you might someday find yourself. Now is the time to determine the principles by which you’ll act if such conditions should ever arise. For example, are there circumstances that would make it right for you to coerce your child? If so, what are they? To stop him from taking drugs? It doesn’t help to say, “My child would never do that.” Someday your child will want to do something that goes against your wishes. These things must be decided in advance. You might alter your judgment in the future, as you gain new insights. But a crisis could occur at any time — and you need to have firm, realistic, believable principles available to you when it does. Otherwise, you could throw away a large part of your future by making a rash decision.

It would be helpful to write out your answers. You may be surprised by how much more precise you can make an answer once you’ve seen it on paper

Never focus your attention on anyone’s weaknesses — his temper, sloppiness, poor logic, dishonesty, whatever. Recognize these shortcomings, take them into consideration, but don’t waste your time complaining about them. Instead, pay attention to what your actions should be in order to deal with him

When you find an attractive long-term goal, it’s easy to be induced to take on obligations that seem necessary to attain it. For example, an individual gets married because he’s in love and wants to enjoy love, affection, appreciation, and understanding for the rest of his life. A year or two later, the love has evaporated — but the structure that was erected to achieve the goals still stands. The negative side of marriage remains long after the positive goals have been discarded. Routines in your life can continue long after they’ve ceased to be valuable. It’s important to periodically recheck your assumptions, reappraise your activities, and reexamine your goals to see how much relevance they still have to your happiness.

Without realizing it, you can spend most of your time doing things that contribute nothing to your happiness — and that actually perpetuate the conditions that make you unfree and unhappy. Don’t be too anxious to justify your activities as being necessary to long-term goals. The future has an annoying habit of forgetting its appointments — or arriving too late for them. I’ve always found it hard to understand why so many people live so much for the future — especially when the present is such a lovely place.

who made your life complicated? You did, of course. It wasn’t society, the economic system, the people you consider to be nuisances, your parents, or anyone else. Every complication in your life today is the result of something you’ve allowed to happen. You initiated it, or you consented to it, or you’ve allowed it to continue. You are where you are today because you’ve chosen to be there. And you can choose not to be there. You’ll have to pay for past mistakes.

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