Dale Carnegie: How to Win Friends and Influence People
Do not criticize or condemn.
To know all is to forgive all.
Sigmund Freud said that everything you and I do springs from two motives: the sex urge and the desire to be great.
John Dewey phrased it differently, saying that the deepest urge of human nature is "the desire to be important"
The difference between Dillinger and Rockefeller is how they got their feeling of importance.
The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.
99 times out of 100, people don’t criticize themselves for anything, no matter how wrong it may be.
Human nature in action is wrongdoers blaming everyone but themselves.
Criticism will rarely persuade someone that they are wrong. Instead, it merely makes the person strive to justify themselves and place themselves in opposition to you.
Inmates of Sing Sing prison are just as human as you and I. So they rationalize, they explain. Most attempt by a form of reasoning, fallacious or logical, to justify their acts to themselves.
Let's realize that the person we are going to condemn will probably justify himself or herself, and condemn us in return.
Remember that every person is the same as you, just under different circumstances and having been influenced by different experiences.
Here is a gnawing and unfaltering human hunger to feel important, and the rare individual who honestly satisfies this heart hunger will hold people in the palm of his hand and "even the undertaker will be sorry when he dies"
It is this desire which inspired Dickens to write his immortal novels, which inspired Rockefeller to earn millions which he never spent.
This desire makes you want to wear the latest styles, drive the latest cars, and talk about your brilliant children.
This desire lures many young boys and girls into joining gangs and engaging in criminal activities.
I know, as you know, people who would think they had committed a crime if they let their families or employees go six days without food; but they will let them go for six days and six weeks, and sometimes sixty years without giving them the hearty approbation that they crave almost as much as they crave food.
Remember flattery doesn't work with intelligent people.
Next time you enjoy filet mignon at the club, send word to the chef that it was excellently prepared, and when a tired salesperson shows you unusual courtesy, please mention it.
Any kindness that I can show to any human being, let me do it now.
Emerson said: "Every man I meet is superior in some way. In that, I learn of him.
Always talk in terms of other people's interests.
You can make more friends in two months by becoming genuinely interested in other people that you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.
To be interesting, be interested.
Nobody likes to feel that he or she is being sold something or told to do a thing. We much prefer to feel that we are buying of our own accord or acting on our own ideas.
"The way to get things done, is to stimulate competition" -Charles Schwab
Create the desire to excel, the desire to challenge. Appeal to people of spirit.
Pay and pay alone never brings together good people. The game itself is what holds them together in a company.
Many people begin their criticism with sincere praise followed by the word "but" and ending with a critical statement.
This makes the praise a contrived lead-in to the criticism.
Change "but" to "and"
Instead of "we're really proud of you, Johnny, for raising your grades this term. But if you had worked harder on your algebra, the results would've been better" say: "we're really proud of you, Johnnie, for raising your grades this term, and by continuing the same conscientious efforts next term, your algebra grades can be up with all the others"
"Try leaving a friendly trail of little sparks of gratitude on your daily trips. You will be surprised how they will set small flames of friendship that will be rose beacons on your next visit" p. 31
"I shall pass this way but once; any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness that I can show to any human being, let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again." P. 32
"I often went fishing up in Maine during the summer. Personally I am very fond of strawberries and cream, but I have found that for some strange reason, fish prefer worms. So when I went fishing, I didn't think about what I wanted... Why not use the same common sense when fishing for people?" P. 33
Remember names to make people feel important.
Remember that a persons name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language
To be a good listener is to be a good conversationalist
"The royal road to a person's heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most" It pleases the other and makes the speaker agreeable p.99
Talk in terms of other people's interests
Always make the other person feel important
"Do unto others as you would have others do unto you" p. 107
"Im sorry to trouble you" "would you be so kind as to" "Won't you please" "Thank you" remember courtesy
Avoid arguments, you lose no matter what. If you win, the other person feels inferior, so you lose.
"Well now look. I thought otherwise but I may be wrong. I frequently am. And if I am wrong, I want to be put right. Let's examine the facts."
Telling someone they are wrong invokes a passion in them, they must defend their self esteem as it is threatened. "When doubt is cast upon any of our assumptions the result leads us to seek every manner of excuse for clinging to it" p. 133
"If we are handled gently and tactfully, we may admit [that we are wrong] to others and even take pride in our frankness and broad-mindedness. But not if someone else is trying to ram the unpalatable fact down our esophagus" p. 134
Go for the Yes! Yes! Response when persuading. Get them to agree with you.
Alleviate cantankerousness: "I don't blame you one iota for feeling as you do. If i were you I would undoubtedly feel just as you do" (p. 187)
Showmanship. Flair. Dramatize your ideas and spark your presentation. Stimulate a desire to excel in your team (increase productivity)
Point out flaws indirectly. Note the difference between: praise followed by but, criticism and praise followed by and with a hint of improvement
Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to